TABLE OF CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION – PEOPLE PLEASER TEST!
Hi, everyone; welcome to my blog. As a counsellor, one of the most common problems clients bring to therapy is the issue of people-pleasing. People pleasing comes from the fear of rejection. We feel if we don’t agree or say yes, they won’t want to be with us, or worse still they might leave, and we will never see them again.
According to Litner R (2024), THE PSYCHOLOGY BEHIND PEOPLE PLEASING states that ‘People-pleasing behaviours are often exhibited by individuals who fear abandonment from others’.
In this blog post, we will examine the dynamics of people-pleasing behaviour. Our goal isn’t just to identify if you fall into this pattern but to empower you to reclaim your authenticity and live life on your terms.
Let’s explore what it means to be a people-pleaser and emerge more robust, confident, and authentically you.
First, answer yes or no to the following questions.
- Difficulty Saying No:
Do you often find it difficult to decline requests or invitations, even if they inconvenience you or contradict your preferences or needs?
YES/NO
- Overcommitting:
Do you frequently take on more tasks or responsibilities than you can handle because you don’t want to disappoint others?
YES/NO
- Avoiding Conflict:
Do you go out of your way to avoid confrontation or disagreement, even if it means suppressing your opinions or feelings?
YES/NO
- Seeking Approval:
Do you constantly seek validation and Approval from others, basing your self-worth on external feedback rather than your intrinsic value?
YES/NO
- Ignoring Personal Boundaries:
Do you disregard your boundaries to accommodate others, sacrificing your well-being?
YES/NO
- Putting Others First:
Do you prioritise the needs and desires of others over your own, often neglecting your self-care or happiness in the process?
YES/NO
- Fear of Rejection:
Are you often motivated by a fear of rejection or abandonment, leading you to prioritise maintaining relationships over expressing your genuine thoughts and feelings?
YES/NO
- Difficulty Expressing Needs:
Do you struggle to articulate your needs and desires, fearing that doing so will upset or disappoint others?
YES/NO
- Feeling Guilty:
Do you often experience intense feelings of guilt or anxiety when you think you’ve let someone down or failed to meet their expectations?
YES/NO
- Lack of Assertiveness:
Do you have difficulty asserting yourself or standing up for your rights and interests, instead deferring to the wishes of others even when they are detrimental to them?
YES/NO
If you have answered chiefly YES’, you will likely be a people pleaser!
IS IT TIME TO QUESTION OUR RELATIONSHIPS?
If we continually need to say yes to people when we mean no. It will only be a matter of time before we become disillusioned and disappointed with them. Usually, because the kindness we show is un-precipitated, it can make us feel unfulfilled and miserable.
When a relationship starts to be demanding and intrusive, it’s a good time to ask:
– ‘Is this relationship worth my time and effort?’
– It may be an excellent time to reflect and ask, ‘What is it about me that everyone wants to mistreat me?’
A person who feels it’s their job to keep everyone happy will sooner or later run into problems. The problem with this way of thinking is that it’s always about everyone else, not you. You end up putting up with things that may be against your values; you are not the true you.
People around you may never get to know who you are. In other words, you may end up misleading them instead of pleasing them. A common consequence of people-pleasing is feeling lonely, as you are not allowing people to connect to your true self.
HOW DO WE CHANGE BEING A PEOPLE PLEASER?
After taking the People Pleaser test, we will now know if we have a problem with people pleasing. So, how do we go forward if we have:
So, to stop being people-pleasers, we first have to draw a line between how we did things in the past and how we do things now. The following six steps are how to go forward and stop being people-pleasers.
- Stop letting others make the decision. When a friend asks you for lunch, you can suggest a place you like. For example: How about we try that new restaurant that has opened on the High Street?’
- You are allowed to have an opinion. If you work in a stuffy office and one colleague keeps the windows shut, you can say, ‘I know it’s a bit draughty, but if you don’t mind, I am going to open the window for half an hour.’
- Remember that your needs are essential, too. Saying yes is a habit. Start to practice by saying small No’s. Give yourself time by stalling an answer, such as, ‘I’ll let you know by email at the beginning of next week.’
- Start being honest with what you want. If you are in a relationship and know it’s going nowhere, rather than wasting any more time, you could say, ‘Thank you for some lovely memories, but we both know that it’s time for us to go our separate ways.’
Although such statements may sound harsh, in the long term, you are doing yourself and the other person a favour. You face the reality that if something is not working, continuing is pointless. Over time, the other person will appreciate your honesty. You will also feel better as you take charge of your life and do not let it drift.
- Finally stop apologising. You are doing nothing wrong. You are starting to stand up for yourself and take control of your life. Accept that not everyone will like you. Accept that you are not going to be all things to all people.
Start speaking up: Let people know if they have done something to upset you. Find your voice, and you will start to find your true self.
CONCLUSION. – PEOPLE PLEASER TEST
By taking the People Pleaser Test, you’ve already taken a significant step towards understanding your patterns and tendencies. With this knowledge, it’s time to embark on a transformation journey. If you’re interested in delving further into this topic, you can find additional insights in my book, “Travel Light: A Handbook for Mental Health,” available for purchase on Amazon.
HOW DID YOU BREAK FREE FROM BEING A PEOPLE PLEASER. LET ME KNOW YOUR THOUGHTS IN THE COMMENTS?
https://lindamcowan.com/how-to-overcome-self-limiting-beliefs
